Thoughts on PTSD and Suicide

So after looking through article about Cpl Hunt, a Marine who tragically took his own life, I began ranting about it a bit. I was then asked to blog about it, so that's exactly what I'll do. For my light hearted readers this one is a little on the serious side. Prior to let me post two links real quick.

Cpl Hunt Suicide story on CNN

Garrett Anderson Blog - Church Bells Sing Suicide

Read those when you get a chance.

Not sure where to start so I'll dive right in with some thoughts about PTSD, which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Let me start by saying that this is something that can affect all kinds of people. Any traumatic event people suffer can cause PTSD, bad car accidents, severe storms that destroy homes, near death from various traumatic events, etc, etc, etc. With civilians it is a little different, actually it's a lot different. I don't mean to take anything away from people who have it, but it's a different kind of beast for those who served.

In the Pentagon PTSD and it's tragic effects on the lives of so many is the proverbial elephant in the room. It's fairly silent but it cannot be ignored. Unfortunately in many ways it is also the embarrassing cousin you don't want people to know about that you more or less stick into a quiet spot at parties. For those with PTSD, it cannot be ignored no matter how hard you try. They come home from war and visit their old friends and family and quickly realize they are not the same. It's like they've gone through this dramatic change and everyone around them has stayed the same. It's hard to relate to anyone who hasn't been there. The distance grows over time and they find the ones they used to be closest to no longer understand them. A strange disconnection occurs and because of that anger begins to set in. Not only for that disconnect, but also for the friends they lost that no one else seems to care about, the things they were forced to see, hear, and do, and a load of other things that they can't explain but it won't let up. Most people that have problems can lay down and sleep peacefully and take a break from the world. For those who have PTSD, this is normally not an option. Those demons that are buried in the dark corners of their soul, the things they don't talk about, the things they avoid thinking about, the things no one would understand. Those demons. At night they come out and play havoc. The atrocities play over and over again. Relentlessly haunting them. After a while, the lack of sleep gets shrugged off and one of two things happen, they either get used to it, or they drink. Unfortunately, when they drink and sit alone, those demons come out with a vengeance. Peace of mind is unachievable and even when trying to get help it can be difficult. How can someone help you when they haven't been there? How can you trust them? What should you tell them? Do they even care? Thoughts race. Heart pounds. Ears ring. Mouth dries. They look to the sky and scream only to find that there is no sound. So with determination they push on, sometimes they manage to cope, and sometimes, a soul is lost and see's no other way to get away from the demons then to end it all. A shot rings out in the night, a family is broken, a statistic is raised, a death ignored by most, some say it's said, others never notice. But for one... they found peace.

And yet, as one soul finds peace, the rest are left wondering that unanswerable question, why? There is the common statement, "They were never the same..." The difference that people who haven't been there don't understand is that each and every one of them experienced a death of innocence. The kind of innocence that can never be returned. The kind of innocence that allows most to sleep at night is killed as the first bullet whistles by, the first rocket explodes, the first IED racks the body, as they witness their friend take that last breath... an innocence that as it dies, leaves a void that can never truly be filled with anything else.

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There is a problem and no one knows how to effectively fix it. One of the things that happens, haphazardly, is referred to as the "Warrior Transition Process." Following combat operations before being sent home each person fills out a questionnaire to see what they've been exposed to. It is supposed to be used to give medical professionals a rough guess for that individuals potential to develop problems. Then once these combat vets arrive home they are exposed to a plethora of "adjustment" classes, most of which are a joke. At 30 days after returning they are screened with another questionnaire asking about various PTSD indicators. Again at 60 days, then 90 days, then 6 months, then a year, and finally at 18 months. Following the 18 month survey they are left on their own if nothing is pointing to PTSD. If anyone hits too many indicators they are sent to a psych for evaluation and possibly further treatment. At least that's how it is supposed to work. Sounds good and looks good written up in some order.

Unfortunately those who developed this plan neglected to include a few basic principals. The Marines are with a unit right around 3 years. In those three years they do at least two 7 to 9 month deployments. The dwell time when they aren't deployed is usually around 9 months. During those 9 months they are training for the next deployment which may entail being out in the field or away for a few months at some other facility getting specialized training. Then they go on pre-deployment leave, then they are back in country. After their second and in some cases third deployment one of two things happen. They say their good byes to the Corps or they execute orders to a new command.

Going off of personal experience, when I returned from Afghanistan I missed my 30 day eval. Oops, I was at a Marine Corps advanced school so I wasn't around for that. Oh, and I was still there for that 60 day eval as well. That 90 day eval, yeah I was on leave for that cause I missed my original leave block for said school. I was there for my 6 month eval which I didn't complete because the jerk of a Doctor decided to lecture me about the importance of these evals. So half way through I told him to go fuck himself and left. Then my year eval came up, oh shit, I was in Iraq for that one. I returned from Iraq and wasn't even with the unit long enough to get the classes because I was executing orders. Once I had been to my new unit for a month or so I got flagged for an eval. I figured it was probably the 60 day for Iraq. Yet as I filled out the paperwork and spoke with the Doc I was informed that I did the paperwork wrong because I put Iraq and I hadn't been there. Ummmmm.... You see apparently this was my 18 month return from Afghanistan screening. These guys had no clue I had also been to Iraq. Well I guess I hit a few too many "you're going nuts" indicators and I was referred to Behavior Health at Bethesda Naval Medical Center. I managed to get an appointment about 2 months later and when I sat down with the psych he listened gave me some anti-depressants (which I didn't understand cause I wasn't depressed) and then gave me some Valium to help me sleep on the real bad nights. Then I was given the time and place for some group therapy that I should go to. Worked out great considering it went on Wednesdays at 1000 and at the time I was working nights. I was then referred to TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) testing, I guess having your brain slapped around the inside of your head during explosions was bad for business. Roughly two months later I managed to get the appointment for the TBI testing where a Neuro psychologist informed me that I didn't have PTSD that I was just infuriating. Which probably wouldn't have happened had they informed me that morning that I would be taking the same series of tests three fucking times! Either way after calling them for months without being told the results I finally threw in the towel and said fuck it. Nowadays I got to the point where I did a self referral back to the new and improved behavior health unit because I can't sleep. That and I want to make sure everything is documented. The system is getting better but the evaluation process is still broken. I still have yet to have even one eval for my Iraq deployment. The only way I was really able to receive help was constantly asking until I was able to find out about the self referral program they recently started. Yet for someone who is worse off than me, would they have that kind of resolve? I don't know.

Then another thing to consider is what about those that left the Marine Corps. They don't go through evals and the VA is hard to deal with at times. As for the VA, before I blog about them I want to do a little research as to how their system works for this and how long it actually takes guys to get help that they need. I don't want to go completely off on them without backing up some of my rants.

At any rate.... yeah. Sometimes when that innocence dies, the Marine dies with it only to return home a shell of their former self. The suicide comes as a result of it. It's almost like they were already dead and can't find a reason to come back to like.

Yeah...

Until next time.