As with any of my blog posts my normal disclaimer applies. I feel the need to reiterate the fact that you are reading this at your own risk and it does have the potential to upset those who are easily offended or don’t appreciate the more colorful aspects of our language. With that being said the beauty of the innerwebz is that you don’t have to read what is on your computer screen you can hit the back button or simply close the window that this is in. I also need to add that any e-mails that the author receives complaining about any perceived offensive material within this blog are subject to being posted in a future blog for all of us to point and laugh at. I also pledge to include your e-mail address and name because you have wasted my time and have tempted the asshole side of my personality. You have been warned.
Now, on to today’s subject matter. As many of you know I’m a fairly healthy and athletic person. Although my passionate love of trying various beers and smoking isn’t the best thing in the world but other than those two factors I’m doing pretty well for myself. I enjoy working out because of the euphoric benefit called endorphins. Endorphins make me happy. I truly enjoy running because it involves me, music, and the feeling of my feet propelling me along my chosen path without the monotony of the gym and people trying to show off. For anyone who has not worked out with me I have a tendency to get fairly psychotic when I conduct physical training (PT). Not in a sense that I want to go and kill people or anything, although sometimes I wouldn’t mind, but in a sense that I sing obnoxiously along with my music, run up various stairs that are along my path, jump over benches and small walls for no other reason than it seems like fun at the time, and I toss up the occasional high five to other runners. I honestly have no idea why I get like this, I just do. Unfortunately, every once and a while my solitary gallatramping gets interrupted by human manifestations of the retard fairy. Today was one of those unfortunate days.
As I cruised down the National Mall I was forced to stop at a light because I didn’t feel like becoming a speed bump. I pause my iPod when I stop because I have a high speed low drag app that tells me my progress and letting it run while stopped just fucks up all my shit. This time I stopped right next to a group of snot nosed preppy suit clad fuck-tards (which are tards of the worst kind) who were pointing across the way along the next stretch of the mall at a guy that was slowly jogging along. This guy had to be pushing 300 lbs and really wasn’t much taller than me. For your understanding of this I stand a towering 5’5” and weigh in at a husky 140 lbs. So this guy couldn’t have been more than 5’7” in height and had to be roughly 4 ft wide. The amount of jokes that came flooding through my demented mind was extraordinary. Alas they slipped away as I realized that my tubby fellow runner clearly saw the group of fuck-tards pointing and laughing. He kept a stern look of determination as he slowly plodded forward but you could see that this was not the type of encouragement that this individual needed. Almost immediately I clicked off safe and my anger rose to epic proportions. I looked at the group of fuck-tards in their suits, most of which had some semblance of an oncoming gut, all of which held a better than thou attitude and I clearly told them to shut the fuck up. At this point two other runners had joined us at the light and both nodded in agreement. When the apparent self-proclaimed leader of the fuck-tards went to speak I told him to “Shut his cock holster” because at least the guy was attempting some physical improvement. I then went on to explain that our larger friend could in fact lose the weight but being a giant douche bag is lifelong affliction. He stood their speechless as the light changed and I took off like a bat out of hell. As I approached my larger than life runner I simply raised my hand and high fived him and yelled keep it up! The two other runners followed suit and did the same. As I peered over my shoulder I saw a smile on his red face as he plodded through the now silent crowd of fucktarded douche bags.
Yes I know some of you are sitting there thinking that I have lost my fucking mind and I am losing asshole cred. Well let me explain something. I like the fact that he was at least trying to better himself. There are too many people out there that are grossly overweight and don’t do shit except absorb every ounce of fat within arm’s reach. So at least this guy made a conscious choice to get out of bed that morning and start exercising. Unlike the woman in my office who makes the chair creak under the stress of her donut raping ass while she downs a half dozen donuts every morning, eats the Chinese buffet at lunch, and then sucks down an $11 dollar 750 calorie drink from Starfucks every afternoon bitching because she can’t seem to lose weight. She my friends is what I define as a donut raping turd.
Before I go I wanted to give everyone the secret to weight loss. Although certain medical conditions may inhibit this so make sure to check with your doc so your heart doesn’t explode or some shit. The divine secret to dropping pounds is this; figure out your daily average caloric burn and then eat few calories than whatever your burn is. If you throw exercise into that you’ll lose even more weight, but honestly it’s as simple as that. Google a calorie counter figure out your average burn and if it’s 2000 calories a day, just eat a few hundred calories less. Even without exercise you’ll start to lose a little weight. Throw exercise in the mix and your metabolism begins to work better and you burn even more. This isn’t rocket science I promise. Listen I’m not making fun of anyone who is overweight but if you are one of those that want to drop some pounds just do something. Our society has one of highest, if not the highest, obesity rates in the world but you don’t have to be a part of that. It’s up to you. I will say this, if you don’t worry about your weight, don’t fuck with the people that are trying to improve themselves, at least their doing something about it.
As for me, I’m gonna keep on running for my sanity and high five every fat kid I see just to give them a little encouragement and if you’re out there I think you should too. As much as I can’t stand a lot of people I truly think that our world would be a much better place if people weren’t complete douchebags and assholes all the time. We all have the right to do it on occasion when presented with the many forms of the retard fairly but for the most part there’s no need to be that guy or girl all the time. There is no proof that any of us are any better than anyone else. The sooner everyone jumps on board with that program the better off we’ll all be.
Yeah I know, SO not what you were expecting.
Via con Queso
Your friendly neighborhood baby killer,
The Senator
"Yes I know some of you are sitting there thinking that I have lost my fucking mind and I am losing asshole cred."
ReplyDeleteOh, no, just unlocked the awesome feeling of using those powers for good young Sidewalker!
Those fat kids who actually try and do go out and run or hit the gym get respect from me. At least they're doing something that is to their benefit.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAwesome Cory! Having to do years of physical therapy when I was younger, I know how hard it is to be motivated to put in the time even though it's hard. And nothing pisses me off more then other people who have absolutely no fucking idea what your going through, to do that, and feel a need to put in their snooty two cents. Two thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say that your mind is going. I think those annoying little fucks needed a good bashing. They are just wanna-be elitist punks thinking they are better than anyone else.
ReplyDeleteNice dress down if you ask me.